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Real Estate Agent: So the seller rejected your offer $300k under asking price. Me: Okay show me the list of haunted houses again. -
If you’re hosting an 80s themed party, please specify 1880s or 1980s so you don’t waste people’s time.
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Fine I’ll say it: J.D. Power Awards are participation trophies for car companies.
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In West Virginia, it’s all relative.
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If ice cream isn’t important, then why is it at the top of the food pyramid?
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My apologies but if you ride the bench on a professional sports team then you're a professional butt slapper.
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Don’t think words can hurt? Imagine all the spelling bee contestants whose careers were ended by a single word.
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Might rob a bank just to know what it feels like to be wanted.
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There’s a special place in hell for people who staged their America’s Funniest Home Videos.
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I told the doctor I’d stitch myself up and she said suture self.
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I honestly don’t know how stargazers do it. I can barely look at the sun for 3 seconds.
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When rich people bury dead bodies in their backyard it’s a “family plot” but when I do it I’m a “serial killer.”
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“Message in a bottle” sounds like “Message in a butthole” if you say it with a British accent.
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Is a psychic considered a life coach? Asking for a friend.
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Pressure makes diamonds. But it also makes people pass gas so just be careful.
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FACEBOOK DOES NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO SHARE PHOTOS OR MESSAGES.
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If you love a man in uniform, stop by McDonald’s tonight. My shift ends at 8 PM.
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It’s funny how you can call an animal a boy or a girl but it gets weird if you call it a man or a woman.
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I still don’t know what airplane mode is and at this point I’m afraid to ask.
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Lord, bless me with the confidence of the CVS marketing team emailing me 5 times per day.