PYONGYANG
Citing poor internet connection, Kim Jong-un has announced that he is officially defecting from North Korea.
“What kind of country doesn’t have WIFI?” reflected a frustrated Jong-un.
But it’s not just internet speed that has the ex-dictator rethinking monarchy. Having witnessed many of his top advisors tragically die at such young ages, Jong-un realized life is too short not to pursue your dreams. “I’m moving on with a smile on my face. I’ve accomplished everything a God-Emperor can in one life.”
The soft-spoken 30-something-year-old plans to begin this next chapter living with longtime friend and diplomat, Dennis Rodman. The two are already streaming NBA reruns and ordering Little Caesars, a treat the former Supreme Leader has missed since President Obama’s 2016 embargos shook North Korea. “Honestly? The pizza embargo hurt more than the steel and auto embargoes. It doesn’t get any better than Little Caesars,” grinned the autocrat.
Still, Kim’s transition from ruling class hasn’t been easy, admits Rodman. “Yesterday a Starbucks barista talked back to him. Kim has to realize he can’t kill people over small stuff anymore.”
It looks like some things never change, like Kim’s haircut. Jong-un says his barber has agreed to come with him. When asked to comment, his barber said he was unaware of the news.
Much is uncertain about Kim’s second act. The only thing that’s guaranteed? The 100 mbps internet speed at Rodman’s LA mansion. And for now, that’s just fine with Kim.